I AM A RIVER

I've been totally enjoying "A Sudden Country," by Karen Fisher. She follows the wagons going to Oregon and develops two characters as they fall in love, forbidden love, of course. The amount of research she must have done, and her exquisite use of words thrills my writer's heart. Here's one passage that captivated me:

"But now it seemed she had reached an age when she felt at the mercy of all her stains and imperfections, when she stood and spoke and went away suspecting she'd betrayed herself somehow, afraid her eyes had strayed, that she'd scratched her scalp or made imprudent comments, told stories no one cared to hear. She often had the sense that she had walked away with eyebrows rising in her wake." (p. 133)

I understand this feeling and experience it frequently among especially younger people when we're exchanging get-acquainted comments. I still believe I have a lot to share; but afterward I wonder if it resonated with their world view, their life's experience. These feelings also arise because I am often not planning what I'll say, and not caring about the impression, but feeling the urgency of the moment, responding to some need, perhaps mine or perhaps the other person's.

Saying something to a stanger in the grocery store comes to mind. We are both searching, she's my age, we make an offhand remark and the other either picks up on it and expands and we have a laugh, or there's that stoney silence that leaves me smiling nonetheless, for how can a smile hurt?

Fisher also had her heroine, Lucy, muse to herself: "I am a river. I cannot run dry." My heart leapt. This past year has taken a toll on my bright nature. I've relied heavily on friends, sayings, readings and music to remember my own inherent strength. In this case I see the river in multiple ways of course. A river of water, since I drink quarts of water in the morning and it passes through all day. A river of air, as I inhale huge drafts of air, especially in the morning and evenings, walking back and forth from our sleeping studio. A river of love: giving, receiving, encouraging, requesting. A river of prana, that mysterious element that serves our