Last night was an unusual evening with the four men who live with me all at home at once. It started with the 17-year old shaving his head. Then his dad decided to also(age 40), then the other teen emmerged from his video cave to hang around (age 15), and finally grampa showed up from work (age 61). All taller than me, all incredibly different and somehow similar, I watched the movie of testosterone rolling in front of me. The boys are strong with it coursing through without the respite of a predictable love life. At the other end of the spectrum, my husband's hormones are quiet and soothing now.
My experience of family as a child was almost as an only child. My siblings were 8 and 12 years older than I, had lives apart from mine; I remained in my own little universe. I had a Nanny for nearly three years, who offered cushion, encouragement, guidance and unconditional love. I didn't have the experience most families do these days of sharing bathrooms, living in close proximity, sharing scarce resources in general. Above all, I didn't have conflict with equals, although I observed emotional abuse regularly. No surprise I'm a mediator not, working with folks in conflict!
But life has offered me another opportunity to learn about conflict as I rub elbows, clean toilets, cook for, and general mother these two teenage grandsons. They are in very close proximity, and have been bear cubs with each other their whole lives. They have an endless list of topics on which to battle, calling each other's names like war cries at any time of night or day. The smallest transgressions give reason to yell and stomp around, although I have to say since their arrival in our home (last May), there's a noticeable decrease. Still, cell phones ringing at inappropriate times, lights left shining in a sleeping brother's face, clothes missing, treasures stepped on in the debris of clothes and books on their floor--any mishap may set them off.
The upside is their incredible attachment to each other, for they had only each other when their parents weren't available in the early years. If one gets hurt, the other is distraught; they ask about each other's whereabouts come nightfall. Sometimes they play video games together. One picture I wish I'd taken is the two of them in a single futon chair,each with their game controls, no shirts, staring at the screen, their muscled bodies astonishing in the dim light.
The lesson for me every day is to allow their relationship to grow as it will, happily now with more resources, more loving available adults, and more structure. My background says conflict should diminish under these fortunate circumstances. The more I let them work it out the better, unless one needs to be told to leave because he's too charged to be safe. Another lesson for me is that loud voices, abusive language and threatening postures do not mean I am unsafe. Incredible awareness. Slowly I build my tolerance to, and slowly they see the uselessness of frantic antics and we all find new ways of responding.
Is this the solitude I imagined aging would afford? Nope, but there's still time for that. Right now I am having family life! Had I missed this I might still have been a very spoiled only child who's days had to be "just so" and who's sleep was never interrupted by early morning arrivals of errant teens. In short, I might still be a major control freak. Nor would I feel the warm bonds enveloping us because the truth is, we're making history here! Memories of goofy times, poignant disappointments, braces finished, projects together, daily music, car rides--these are the foundations upon which a loving (or an abusive) family is built. And pictures too. I have darling pictures of the boys as little guys on the fridge. One shows them both in cowboy hats with pistols and bandanas around their faces. The younger one's pudgy hand curls around one finger of the older one. It is beyond precious, and reminds me we are all creating our personal myths every day. How delighted I am to be influenced by and influencing these incredible men in my life.
1 comment:
I just read the last three posts, Star. They are beautiful. This last one, about family life, has me musing. I've been doing some family genealogy research with by brother Robert lately. He sends me summaries of census records that note all the individuals living in a household at the time of the particular census being taken. It's astonishing. Often, in the case of a couple in their sixties, there might be one or two aging parents of one of them, sometimes two daughters in their forties having never married, and/or a widowed sister-in-law. Sometimes too, a family member with a three year old. Ocassionally boarders show up as well. From the 1700's to the turn of the 20th century most households have five to ten people in them of all ages and description.....
It's alot for me to think about.....I've always known we live in much more isolation than our ancestors. But looking at the reality of it is pretty astonishing to me. I wonder what it was like......You give us a bit of a clue.
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