I casually tossed the local rag's review of incredibly gourmet holiday recipes on top of the Heifer catalogue, and the conundrum of Christmas hit me once again. Heifer accepts donations and supplies domestic animals to (hungry) people around the world. Once the animals have multiplied, the families are pledged to share their bounty with another family.
Their catalogue arrives before Thanksgiving every year encouraging folks to send money to perpetuate this wonderful scheme. I support Heifer. I tried to tell my granddaughters that I was donating to Heifer in their names this year instead of buying gifts. This did not go over well. Even the eldest of the two didn't seem to grasp my plan. Actually, she wants another goat or two to add to her own herd of goats. But there it was again, the c of C.
In early November my daughter leans on me to start decorating, decide what I want to cook for the Thanksgiving feast, and urges me to buy a tree asap to put up in our small living room. She is a Christmas elf. She loves everything about the season. The pressure starts at work too: who's going to work Christmas day? What are your Christmas plans? Have you got your tree yet? Don't get me wrong. I'm often delighted with Christmas, for the little kids especially. That the mean old adults in their world will turn around and shower them with gifts, food and candies warms my cynical heart. In my family the day began with surprises, broiled grapefruit with brown sugar and a maraschino cherry on top. The adults generally held it together the entire day, or maybe I was just too enamoured with my presents to notice the tension.
One year my 8-year old son had been with us for the autumn months, and I was excited that he'd be with us for Christmas. But his dad decided they needed to head out to Canada that morning (in snow), and scooped him (and his presents) up into the overloaded truck and headed out. It was the grace of my husband to take us out for dinner that year (taboo act), and I hoped my mood didn't influence our 4-year old. The very child who now urges me to decorate!
So mixed feelings? You bet. I think we all have them. And I think we all have at least one Christmas we'd rather not remember. But we buck up. We decorate, purchase or produce gifts, and generally get in the spirit of it. But then the rest of the world flows through our mail boxes: food bank, orphans, disabled veterans, domestic violence victims, ad infinitim; poignant reminders that we are the lucky, the privileged, the relatively wealthy. We have food in the cupboards, and purchase ribbons and door decorations while others suffer. Do our purchases help their worlds? Trickle down doesn't really apply here as far as I can see. But generosity does.
You're probably wrestling with the same paradoxes. And you've probably done so off and on through the years. One year I made every gift ahead of time, with peaceful thoughts of joy in every stitch. I tucked them into my backpack (these were the hippie days), and when I went to deliver them, the back pack was empty! My son tells us his father and stepmother took all the kids' toys, wrapped them in colored "funnies" pages and gave them back to them Christmas morning! Did I say "wrestle"? Isn't there another stronger word for coming to joy given the unsettling aspects of this season? Gladiator battle comes to mind.
Strangely, in the end, every year, joy has won, and I, like you, do my part as much as I can, and admire the handmade bizarre items, the extravagant gourmet Christmas trees, and hum a carole while I make gifts. I send off some checks, grateful others are working more directly with suffering families, and take deep comfort with my own clan, gathered around laughing and opening gifts. For some reason, I never get to this generous place without the battle, and I just wanted to share it this year, in case you're wallowing around in the shoulds, oughts, betters, and deadlines.
Somewhat reluctantly, I'm purchasing new Christmas tree lights today(mine aren't safe anymore) and hauling in the boxes. And by Jesus in the manger, I'm going to give my utmost to make this a memorable, touching, fun, and generous holiday.
No comments:
Post a Comment